Want a better marriage? - Part 2 - Addressing the ladies

After writing a post on December 16 regarding the realities of marriage and some specific ways guys need to step up to make it work better, the feedback I received was good. Many people, particularly those who've been married awhile, know that there is no secret "trick" involved in making a committed marriage successful.   I wrote in response to an article written by another man that was basically telling men to figure out ways to manipulate their wives by doing the smallest amount necessary to keep their wives "happy". Because my first post was directed mostly at men, I was asked to write a similar post directed at women. And what really surprised me was that everyone who asked for a second post to be written for women was, in fact, a woman. 

I'll give a similar caveat to what I did in Part 1, and add a few contextual facts before I begin. I'm a 36 year old male, who for the last 13 years has been married to a real woman, with ideas and feelings and perspectives all her own. She has described herself as having a strong personality, and I would agree with that. I would add that I too have a strong personality, and believe she would also agree with that. In addition, I have a masters degree in marriage and family therapy, and for the past 7 or so years have been seeing mostly couples in my therapy practice. Like any marriage, ours has had its ups and downs, and we've had to work through our share of junk. Overall though, I'd say we have a very good, very close, and very trusting relationship. Let me also add that I am not writing this based specifically on issues I have had with Amy, so don't read into my opinions that I am referring to her about any particular ones. As was said about my post yesterday, some of what I say will apply more to women, and some to either gender equally. One thing I didn't say specifically in my post yesterday is that I am a Christian, and that my perspective on marriage is based on my understanding of what the Bible teaches about relationships, respect, love, communication, and trust. I'll be writing with those same foundations here. Last, remember that I'm a guy giving this advice from a guy's perspective with zero intent to offend. With all that out of the way, let me tread out gracefully onto the ice. 

Ladies, I'll start the same place I started with the guys: this marriage of yours is a project that is going to take work, time, patience, change, and flexibility on both your parts. Each of you must first be committed to dealing with yourself and your choices, not waiting for the other to get it right first. Quid pro quo isn't a good way to run a relationship. Second, because this is a process that will take time,  there will be bumps along the way. Keep taking steps, even if it sometimes feels like you have to go backwards a little. Third, compromise is essential. Neither you nor he are going to get every single thing you want. That's not how relationships work, and life doesn't work that way either. But together you can both forge something that is incalculable in value. And it will take both of you to make it happen. Last, it is your marriage that is the project, not your husband. You cannot "fix" him because in most cases he isn't broken. Turning him into a yes-man will not fix your marriage. Sitcoms and many movies have spent the last 20 years depicting men as dummies who can't even boil water without their wive's instruction. Now, I will be first one to say that I am a better man because of the influence of my wife, and though we men may do things differently (or perhaps wrong) sometimes, we are not inept and helpless. 

Similarly, no matter how rough an exterior your man may show, there are places in him that need tenderness from you. Your faith in him and support of him is one of the most meaningful things you can bestow on him. It is a gift. And if you crush that place in him, it will be very difficult to get him to open up. He desires to be a good leader, and for most men, a big piece of their self-worth is tied to how they believe you think about them. Jerry Seinfeld said that inside every adult male is a little boy that still wears a superman cape. Your man desires to be a hero, even if he sometimes isn't very heroic. It is important how you treat him when he is successful, but even more so how you treat him when he screws up. If you want tenderness from him, you must also be willing to give it. If you want grace when you screw up, also be willing to give it. As I said in Part 1, there are no excuses, none, for violence or abuse, and this is true in both directions. Don't put up with it, but don't give it either. He may have a temper that needs serious work, but I've worked with some ladies who's tongues are like daggers, and do serious damage with them. 

Communication. Similarly to how your husband needs to learn some things to communicate well with you, the same is true in reverse. No matter how well you believe you've communicated an idea or particularly a feeling to your husband, there are parts of it that still may not make sense to him. This isn't because your man isn't intelligent, or that he isn't listening well (although he may not be), or that you haven't communicated properly. The way a man understands, interprets, and applies communication around feelings is different than the way you do. A basic truth about the differences between male communication and female communication is that men tend toward talking about ideas, where women tend towards talking about feelings. This, of course, is a generality, but has specific impacts on the way men understand the ways in which you ladies communicate. We men are capable of talking about feelings, but some guys need to be coaxed into it more than others. One of the ways you can determine if a particular idea or feeling is understood by your husband is to ask him to tell you in his own words what you tried to communicate, AND why he thinks it is important to you. This second piece is important because even though he may understand the idea or feeling in his head, he may have a harder time transferring that truth to the context in which you are saying it, or to other similar contexts. Having him talk about why he thinks it's important to you is key because it helps him use words to describe feelings, whether they are his or interpreting yours, and gets him to access the part of his head that is attached to his heart. Do the same thing in reverse to be sure you really understand him as well! This is good practice for BOTH of you. 

Also related to the category of communication, and there is a fair amount of research behind this statement, you ladies talk far more than men do. It's not good or bad. Just the way it is. On average, men speak about 7000-8000 words per day. Women, on the other hand, average more like 20,000 words per day. That is an average percentage difference of 65%. There are exceptions to this based on age, personality, type of job, etc. But even if we round that percentage down some for the sake of conservatism, the fact remains that you ladies talk more and talk for different reasons than men typically do. It has been said that men speak when and because they have to, and that woman speak because they can and because it feels good. And again, there is research to support this. Studies show that women produce oxytocin (which is called the cuddling hormone) when they are in deep, intimate conversation. In other words, it is pleasurable. Women also have 30% more of a protein in their brains called foxp2 associated with speech and language development. And these differences help account for why little girls are typically far more chatty than their male counterparts, and develop both in terms of volume of vocabulary as well as contextual understanding of language far more quickly than little boys. If at the end of the work day, he doesn't seem very talkative, it may be because he just wants some time NOT TALKING. This is normal and okay. If you can find a way to give him a few minutes to decompress, he'll recharge pretty quickly. 

My blunt observation about all this as it relates to how you communicate with your husbands is this: you talk to clear your head and to process your feelings, and because, very simply, it feels good to you. Your husband MAY do the same things, but men are far more often internal processors than women are.  This means that when you talk about something, or have a disagreement or argument, or you tell him that something hurt your feelings, it may take him some time to really get it. How many of you have had the experience of having a long, explicit conversation about something your husband said or did that hurt your feelings, and maybe its hours or even days later that he comes back to comment on it, or apologize, or finish the conversation? Based on what women have told me, this happens a lot. Sometimes it is his pride, but my opinion on why this often happens is that he does most of his processing AFTER the conversation is over, while women tend to process right in the middle of it. Learn to give him time to do this. Don't expect that he will process the same way you do. Set the reasonable expectation that you do need to finish the conversation for the sake of closure, and that he can finish it with you after he has a bit of time to process. The bottom line here is that he processes differently, not worse than, you do. However, DO be clear about what you want, why you feel the way you do, and why a particular thing is important to you. And if he isn't forthcoming about what is important to him and why, ask him. Keep asking him. When you do this, ask about ideas first, and about feelings second. 

Here's a big one. No matter what pop-culture says, your husband is not capable of reading your mind. It doesn't matter if you've been married for half a century. In the same way that he needs to use words to talk about feelings, you need to gently and kindly say what's on your mind when you're upset. Specifically, when you're GETTING upset, not after you are furious. Generally, women are more intuitive and perceptive about their other people's feelings and moods. If he doesn't ask if you're upset, it's highly likely that he just hasn't noticed yet. If you are upset with him, or are upset at someone else and need his support, or just had a crappy day, you need to come out and say so. Dropping hints, making facial expressions, and being "subtle" in the hopes that he asks you what is wrong is not an effective way to communicate with him. Being passive-aggressive with him when he doesn't read your mind will only lead him to shut down and be more distant. He needs to be straightforward, gentle, and kind about expressing his feelings, and so do you.  

Don't use tears as weapons. And even more importantly, don't use sex as a weapon either. Emotional manipulation is just as offensive and harmful as the kind of behavioral manipulation that prompted me to write Part 1 of this post. There are a lot of men out there who do respond more quickly to a woman's tears. A surprising number of women have told me straight-out that they use tears (at least some of the time) to get what they want. But in the end, that turns into the story of the boy who cried wolf. It eventually ceases to be effective, and in fact, will harden him against really listening to you, which is generally what you wanted in the first place. Seriously, cry when you need to. That's important. But don't use tears to manipulate. And sex. I could write an entire post on this one subject, but ladies, sexuality is one of the most complicated and potent aspects that exists in your relationship. And based on my informal research and in talking to at least 100 women on the subject, he wants it more often than you do. Maybe a lot more. But in the same way that romance is a basic need for you, physical touch is a basic need for him. Anatomically, his need for sex is different than yours too. I do understand (after having it explained to me in detail by my wife on many occasions) that in order to feel sexual, women require a certain level of emotional connection. But if you use your sexuality as a bait-and-switch tool or as punishment, his desire to romance you will be zero. Treat that gift of his desire for you very carefully. One more tid-bit on this this from a guy's perspective: make-up sex is almost always okay with him, and may end up being good for you too. 

Next, I told the guys to put items on their calendar to remind them to do things for you that are out of the blue, and unexpected. Just nice, thoughtful, little things to let you know they care. Well, I can tell you that your husband will respond well to this too. Let's face it. Everybody likes to be surprised with kindness and appreciation. A kind word or compliment. Tell him thank you for something that he does every day, but that makes a difference to you. A kiss on the cheek just because. Grabbing his hand. Noticing when he does something helpful. Again, this isn't manipulation. It is a sign of respect and love. He may not ask to be romanced, but directing some his way is something he will appreciate even if he doesn't call it by that name. This is also important because the things we pay attention to will take up more space in our hearts. If we pay more attention to the negative, we will naturally be more negative, and the converse is just as true. Notice what he does right!

I may step on some toes here, so I'll try to tread gently. Let's just put it out there. Your husband doesn't even begin to understand your monthly "lady-time". Don't try to explain it to him. There are some things he just doesn't WANT to know. Just know that most guys have no idea what to do to be helpful around this subject. In many relationship, the whole topic is off-limits, which only makes dealing with it harder. If you have suggestions, he would benefit from hearing them. I have had more than a few female clients tell me that they know that they are being unreasonable and overly sensitive with their husbands during this time, and that they can't help it. I honestly don't know what to do with that kind of admission. But if you are one of those ladies who know when you're a little over the edge, tell him that, and give both of you permission to have some time and space away from each other until cooler heads can prevail. 

In the same way that a genuine, kind-hearted apology helps you get over an argument faster, it helps him too. I've had many guys confide in me that they feel like they just cannot do anything right sometimes, and that they very rarely get apologies from their wives. In some cases, it may be true that your husband is just doing all the wrong things. But in some cases your temper or short fuse or unreasonable expectations are just as much to blame. Or you may actually be being overly sensitive. I know this isn't something that you respond well to being told (another mistake I've made too many times), particularly in the midst of an argument, but statistically speaking, it is simply the truth sometimes. Since you do not want to be told, the burden falls on you to sometimes take a step back and come to that conclusion yourself! 

Also be willing to take a long, hard look at your expectations, and whether they were ever achievable in the first place. This comes back to the idea of flexibility in the relationship. The two of you may have had a conversation in which he agreed to do something at a particular time or in a particular way. And he may have legitimately wanted to do that. But please take the time, when he falls short, to look at whether, in the context of the rest of life, if it was ever reasonable to begin with. He wants to be your knight in shining armor. The problem with the fairy-tale stories is that those knights screwed things up too. They just don't tell that part of the story in the books. Sir Gallahad made his share of messes, forgot things, and was a jerk sometimes too. If your husband falls short of your expectations, be forgiving, help him try again, or maybe it's time for a change of plans. Some of life's best moments happen when we let go of our grand plans! On the other hand, don't set the bar low. He is capable of stepping up and surprising you. Tell him in advance that that's what you need around a particular situation that's particularly important to you. He may just blow your mind!

A very important topic next. Your children will treat their father with the same level of respect and admiration that you do. How you talk to him when he screws up, how you speak about him with your children, or behind his back will directly determine how your children talk to him, and more importantly, how they think about him. If you want them to respect him and hold him up as a hero (which as I said above is something he secretly and passionately desires), then you must be willing to paint him this way. If he isn't acting very hero-like, you don't have to fake it, but talk to him about those things behind closed doors. This is a challenge, to be sure, particularly if you're angry or your feelings are hurt. He should also be willing to do the same when the shoe is on the other foot. We, both men and women, have a terrific amount of power over how our children will view and treat our spouse, and it starts with how we handle disagreements in front of them. 

Work hard. Whether you're an accountant, a banker, or a domestic engineer, do it with gusto. Never before have women worn so many hats in life. This fact I do realize! Employee/Employer. Mom. Daughter. Friend. Wife. And the list goes on and on, just like the list of chores and tasks around the house. If you work outside the home, do your absolute best to leave your work at work. Be present when you are at home. No human was designed only to work. We are human beings, not human doings. Ask your husband for help, but be specific. Explain why you need help, and don't wait to have this conversation until you're at the end of your rope! Try not to do it as a complaint, but rather, state it as a fact because that's what it is. Your husband likely deals with enough complaints in other places. If you'd rather, write it out and give him a list of tasks. Taking a few seconds and writing it down will benefit both of you. And please don't rattle off the lists that are in your head and expect that he'll remember them. Girls have built-in list software in their brains. Your man doesn't! Take advantage of white boards, text message lists, grocery phone apps, etc. You can get mad forever that he forgot the thing you explained to him in detail while he was watching the last few minutes of the game, or you can you realize that it's hard for you to remember what he was explaining while the kids were talking in both your ears. These are simple adjustments that will save you a lot of frustration! 

Also realize that he notices different things than you do around the house. Some things that are a really big deal to you are things that he might never notice in a thousand years of walking right by them. An example: when I was first married, I tended to put my dirty dishes in the sink. I didn't grow up with a dishwasher, and it was a bad but very old habit. I'd put my empty cereal bowl or dinner plate in the sink, go on with my day and not notice it again. That is, until Amy got home from work. It was one of the very first things she noticed. We had that fight WAY too many times before I decided to just do the simple thing and put my dishes in the dishwasher. I have explained in Part 1 to the fellas that they need to pay better attention to these things - that they need to take an extra 10 seconds to put the cereal bowl in the dishwasher, or to turn their socks right side out and put them in the hamper. Seriously. But I'll tell you ladies that these 10 second things, though they may sometimes be frustrating should not be allowed to ruin your day. Yes, I know...the myriad of 10 second things really DO add up. But do not  give them too much power over your heart. And take it from me, it may take time to get your husband to change old habits that you simply do without thinking. But he will eventually move in that direction IF you deal with it properly. Nagging is not an effective form of motivation. From what I've been told, you ladies tend to view your house as a reflection of yourself. He probably doesn't think in those terms, and it will take time, patience, and effort to convince him that it's worth it to vacuum the house 3 times a week or that making the bed with the 15 decorative pillows is really worth the effort when he's going to have to turn around and take them back off 12 hours later. Or maybe, just maybe, these things are not MANDATORY all the time. (I threw that last bit in there for the benefit of all men everywhere. You're welcome.) My point is this: pick the household tasks that are absolute MUSTS (this list should be fairly short), and be flexible with the rest.

Okay, this has gone on long enough. Here's the wrap up: the two of you are wired differently and that's good and can bring a lot of strength to your relationship if you find ways to embrace and USE your differences instead of allowing them to frustrate you or drive you apart. It can sometimes be really hard to give this, but respect is one of his most basic needs, as love and tenderness tend to be two of yours. I'll include two bible verses at this point that confounded me for a long time, and have been used improperly far too often. This is Ephesians 5: 22+25 from The Message, "Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting." These are both/and kind of commands, and apply equally to both men and women. However, I think these verses are in scripture precisely because God knew that these are sometimes the most challenging things for us to give our spouses, and God constantly calls us to grow! It generally comes more naturally for a woman to show love, but can be difficult to be understanding and supportive. Alternatively, it is more challenging for a man to love by giving not expecting anything in return. No matter what, keep talking and working and stretching. This kind of love and respect can have a huge impact on your marriage. 

Want a better marriage? - Part 1 - Addressing the Gents

I am writing this as a rebuttal to a post I saw earlier titled titled "1 Trick To A Happy Wife". First, there is no such thing as one trick to any marriage.  Here is this guy's pitch: "Father Of Three Discovers Way To Lovingly "Hack" Your Wife's Emotional Operating System So You Can Enjoy "Happy Wife, Happy Life" On Autopilot, Forever". I'm not a wimp, or "wrapped". I'm not spineless or apathetic, and I don't just roll over when my wife gets upset. But this kind of rhetoric is not only untrue and offensive, it's crap! It doesn't work. 

Here is the link if you'd like to read it yourself: http://www.unchainedman.com/happywifecode/index2.php 

The gist of it is that this guy wants you to buy a 17 page manuscript on all the "tricks" he's come up with "reprogram his wife". The big "trick" is for the husband to add some things to his calendar that are "low hanging fruit" that cost the man very little time or effort. He explains that he "experiments" on his wife using a variety of behavior-modifying approaches, and that these tricks turn her into a cooking, cleaning, back-rub giving woman with no mood swings. I assume this same woman also wants to have sex with him whenever he desires it. 

The following are my thoughts and opinions, based both on my expertise and experience as a man now married for 13 years to a real woman, as well as having a masters in marriage and family therapy and having worked with couples for over 7 years. My opinions aren't the only ones out there, and whether you're a male or female, you may feel free to disagree with me. I've angered more than a few people in therapy by talking frankly about these matters and I may anger you as well. However, angering you is not my intent.  I write this because in the course of my marriage I've made more than my share of mistakes, and have had a wife who is willing to stick with me in spite of my faults, and who works on hers as well. Additionally, I've had the benefit of working with many couples on making their relationship better. This is not an exhaustive list, but is hopefully a good start. 

Hey guys. Want a better marriage? First, understand that this relationship is going to require work, time, patience, change, and flexibility. There is no such thing as a good marriage that runs on auto-pilot. Second, it won't happen over night. Marriage is like learning how to build, or hunt, or get really good at a sport. It requires both time and some consistency. Third, neither of you are going to get every single thing that you want. And that's okay, and is coincidentally how life works. However, there are a number of things that you can do to make it better, and that will show her that your marriage is important to you. Your marriage isn't a 100 meter dash. It is much more like a marathon. It will have great moments and tough moments, but the end result is worth every second of effort, every drop of sweat, every sacrifice and tough decision. 

Learn to talk to your wife. Ask her questions. Find out what makes her happy or stresses her out. Tell her honestly and non-demandingly what makes you happy or stresses you out. Work on both of these areas TOGETHER. This is a process and will take practice, sacrifice, and patience on both your parts! If you are normal human beings, your spouse is going to be particular about things you could care less about. THIS IS NORMAL! Find a way to compromise on these things. Figure out why the important things are important, and even if they remain unimportant to you, start doing some of them anyway. Doing things you don't want to do doesn't make you spineless or weak. It means that you are learning to be a little more selfless. Selflessness requires strength and discipline. It is hard, and it is worth the effort. Also, if you notice her making extra effort, tell her so. "Thank you" goes a long way!

Talk to her about your work and if she works outside the home, ask her about hers, even if it doesn't ring your bell. If she doesn't have a job outside the house, ask about her day and what was good or bad. Finding out about the little things means a lot to her, and just the fact that you're willing to talk,  ask, and listen makes a huge difference. Talking to her about your day helps her understand why you're tired, stressed, excited, driven, etc. This is called quality time, and even if it takes a little more energy and time out of your day, it is worth it because this helps your wife feel loved and connected to you. Perfect communication is impossible, but good communication is totally possible. There are going to be times that you both talk and open up, and are still not going to come to perfect resolution. That is normal and okay. The point isn't perfect communication. The point IS that you keep working on it. 

In a similar category, learn to really listen. Have you ever heard her say that she just needs to vent? Venting is a need for many women that many men just don't have. However, in your communication together, just sitting and listening and occasionally asking questions is very important to her. This next part is important! Sometimes a woman wants advice or your opinion on how the issue she is discussing could be fixed, but very often, all she wants is to talk about what she thinks and feels. For her, it is like taking a few deep breaths. It causes her to be able to relax. Alternatively, keeping it all bottled up prevents her from relaxing, not to mention the fact that over time, it has a serious impact on her emotionally. If you take a few minutes to do this on a regular basis, she will appreciate it immensely. If you have a great suggestion, ask her if she wants advice or just a friendly ear. If she wants your advice, give it. If not, save it for another day. 

Put things on your calendar to do for her that are selfless and kind and thoughtful. This doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant, though every once in awhile bending over backwards for her and pulling out all the stops is a great way to remind her how much you value her. This also doesn't have to be every day, though it certainly can be. It can be as simple as leaving a sticky-note on the counter before you head out the door telling her that you care and hope that she has a good day. The point is that you are thinking of ways to tell her she matters to you. This again has to do with quality time, but also has to do with using words or actions to affirm her. Find out what kinds of gifts are meaningful to her and surprise her occasionally. My wife doesn't particularly care for flowers, which I found out after I kept buying her flowers and finding her less than excited by them. In her case, a chai latte is a much better surprise (and is probably considerably less expensive). If your wife loves flowers, but you can't afford a full dozen in a vase, just buy one and write her a note. The point is that you are making an effort!

Next, hug her and hold her hand and open her door without any sexual expectations. In other words, touch her on a regular basis in ways that have absolutely nothing to do with you or what you might want. This isn't a recipe or a manipulation, but research suggests that woman who receive regular non-sexual touch are generally more welcoming of sexual advances at other times. Being affectionate with her in non-sexual ways tells her that you think of her as something other than an object or means of satisfaction. For most women, romance is a basic need, not just something they prefer. And whether we guys like it or not, a lack of romance and connection are directly connected to a woman's sexuality. (Maybe I'll write another post on this particular subject at some point.)

Realizing that different people have different values around affection, find ways to be affectionate with her in front of your children. You may be a little embarrassed to do this. My suggestion is to get over it. If you're a little embarrassed by hugging your wife or giving her a smooch or holding her hand on the way into the restaurant, there are probably some other things you need to deal with. Additionally, when you do this, your children may make puking sounds or act grossed out. They aren't. They're watching their father love on their mother, and this both shows them that your relationship is special, and it also models for them that touch and affection are normal. Additionally, there are few things that will make your wife feel closer to you than this!

Apologize when you act like a turd (this is something I'm still working on doing well). Text message or email apologies don't cut it.  (On a sidenote, don't ever, under any circumstances, have an argument with your spouse via text. This is childish and NEVER goes anywhere good! I ran into this issue in counseling more often than just about any other issue.) When you apologize, look her in the face and tell her that you are sorry, what you are sorry for, and why you understand you offended her or hurt her feelings. Do this as quickly as you are capable, so long as you really mean it. Don't apologize if you don't mean it. She has radar than can detect a fake apology! Also, the blanket "GEES, I'M SORRY!" in the sarcastic tone of voice accompanied by a huff or an attached "whatever" don't count. Again, I've learned some of these things the hard way. (Another sidenote. The proper apology is another one to practice with your kids. Apologizing to your kids isn't weak or non-parental. It shows them that everyone screws up, and that apologies are normal and healthy.) When you screw up, get connected to her by being genuine and learning to deal with your emotions and talking about them with actual words. Don't tell her what she wants to hear just to avoid an argument. Be honest even if the two of you disagree. Giving in just to avoid an argument doesn't work. Inevitably, you'll both end up feeling better and resentful. Tell the truth, kindly and respectfully. This is what grown-ups do. If you are someone who deals with getting too angry, especially if you are ever tempted to be violent, is something YOU are responsible for, and should get help with. There is no excuse for violence of any kind no matter how she treats you. 

Get okay with the fact that she cries sometimes for reasons you don't understand, and that her way of thinking about things is different than yours, and that both of you are wrong a good percentage of the time. Her emotions aren't necessarily her "being illogical". She just processes differently than you do. Making room for her emotions can be difficult and even uncomfortable for you. However, if you do make room for her emotions, and especially if you can find the strength to validate how she might be feeling, she will make more room for your "logic". Compromising, even if you don't feel like it, is a sign of strength, not of weakness. It means that you are making a hard choice, even a sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. That requires toughness. 

Work hard. Your job may be important and take a lot of time. It may be the source of financial health for your family. That's fine, but it doesn't let you off the hook from doing anything else at home. No man gets to the end of his life and says to himself "Gees, I wish I'd gotten just one more spreadsheet done, or had one more meeting with the execs!" Your job is important, but don't let it become your life. When the workday is done, leave work at work. This can be very difficult, but is very important, both for her and for you. You aren't wired to work all the time! When you're at home, be aware of what might need to be done there. I know, you're tired and distracted. Fine, take a few minutes and collect yourself, but she legitimately needs some help around the house. Take responsibility and notice what things need to be done instead of waiting for her to take care of it. Pick up after yourself, or at least TRY to. Your wife is not your mother, and doesn't want to pick up your sweaty socks or 7 pairs of jeans. If you want your wife to feel more sexual, make sure she is helping take care of her "husband" and not her trying to keep up with her "little boy". If you find her being cranky about the laundry or the dishes, take an extra 5 seconds and put your clothes in the hamper or your cereal bowl in the dishwasher. This costs you almost nothing and will eliminate about a thousand little disagreements. 

Here's the long and short of it. Be proactive to be kind to her because you love and respect her, not to manipulate her. In other words, be a real, genuine, thoughtful man. 

Gripping Gray Matter - An Introduction

Yeah. Another blogger getting started. I figured it would be a good idea to start one more thing in what is arguably the busiest time in my life thus far. I am a man. A husband. A father. A Christian. A pastor. A therapist. A friend. A somewhat ambitious do-it-yourselfer. A decent skier, and a really mediocre golfer. Probably a few other things too. And if that's all you knew, you might neatly fit me into a boring little cardboard box, close the lid, and flip to the next blogger's site. You may do that anyway. But before you do that, check out a few of my other posts and see if what I have to say sparks any interest.

This means an introduction is in order. Hello. My name is James. For the past year or so I have lived with my little family in Highlands Ranch, CO south of Denver. I have been married for a little over 13 years. My wife's name is Amy, and we have three kids, two girls who are 7 and 5, and a little dude who is now 2. I grew up in a very small town in upstate New York. Went to school in Abilene, TX, and got my masters in Seattle. Since we got married in August 2000, we've lived in Denver, Seattle, Dublin, Ireland, a couple of cities just north of Dallas, and are now back in Denver. And I'm hoping that we're here for good.

Now, the why. Why write? Why blog? Well, I discovered my love of writing during  grad-school, and though I have a lot of other things to keep me busy, I have been encouraged by friends and family members to take my crazy, random, and sometimes thought-provoking ideas and perspectives out of my brain and put them out for a wider audience. I had used Facebook to write some bloggish posts before, two in the last week, and Amy encouraged me to just start a blog instead. So that's what I'm doing. I'll be writing when the mood strikes me, and on a variety of subject matter. Some of it will likely be based on sermons I'm writing, books I'm reading, counseling and relationship topics, and probably some other stuff I couldn't even predict right now. I hope that at least some of the content I write will resonate with those who read. My aim is to do justice to the blog title - gripping gray matter.