Want a better marriage? - Part 1 - Addressing the Gents

I am writing this as a rebuttal to a post I saw earlier titled titled "1 Trick To A Happy Wife". First, there is no such thing as one trick to any marriage.  Here is this guy's pitch: "Father Of Three Discovers Way To Lovingly "Hack" Your Wife's Emotional Operating System So You Can Enjoy "Happy Wife, Happy Life" On Autopilot, Forever". I'm not a wimp, or "wrapped". I'm not spineless or apathetic, and I don't just roll over when my wife gets upset. But this kind of rhetoric is not only untrue and offensive, it's crap! It doesn't work. 

Here is the link if you'd like to read it yourself: http://www.unchainedman.com/happywifecode/index2.php 

The gist of it is that this guy wants you to buy a 17 page manuscript on all the "tricks" he's come up with "reprogram his wife". The big "trick" is for the husband to add some things to his calendar that are "low hanging fruit" that cost the man very little time or effort. He explains that he "experiments" on his wife using a variety of behavior-modifying approaches, and that these tricks turn her into a cooking, cleaning, back-rub giving woman with no mood swings. I assume this same woman also wants to have sex with him whenever he desires it. 

The following are my thoughts and opinions, based both on my expertise and experience as a man now married for 13 years to a real woman, as well as having a masters in marriage and family therapy and having worked with couples for over 7 years. My opinions aren't the only ones out there, and whether you're a male or female, you may feel free to disagree with me. I've angered more than a few people in therapy by talking frankly about these matters and I may anger you as well. However, angering you is not my intent.  I write this because in the course of my marriage I've made more than my share of mistakes, and have had a wife who is willing to stick with me in spite of my faults, and who works on hers as well. Additionally, I've had the benefit of working with many couples on making their relationship better. This is not an exhaustive list, but is hopefully a good start. 

Hey guys. Want a better marriage? First, understand that this relationship is going to require work, time, patience, change, and flexibility. There is no such thing as a good marriage that runs on auto-pilot. Second, it won't happen over night. Marriage is like learning how to build, or hunt, or get really good at a sport. It requires both time and some consistency. Third, neither of you are going to get every single thing that you want. And that's okay, and is coincidentally how life works. However, there are a number of things that you can do to make it better, and that will show her that your marriage is important to you. Your marriage isn't a 100 meter dash. It is much more like a marathon. It will have great moments and tough moments, but the end result is worth every second of effort, every drop of sweat, every sacrifice and tough decision. 

Learn to talk to your wife. Ask her questions. Find out what makes her happy or stresses her out. Tell her honestly and non-demandingly what makes you happy or stresses you out. Work on both of these areas TOGETHER. This is a process and will take practice, sacrifice, and patience on both your parts! If you are normal human beings, your spouse is going to be particular about things you could care less about. THIS IS NORMAL! Find a way to compromise on these things. Figure out why the important things are important, and even if they remain unimportant to you, start doing some of them anyway. Doing things you don't want to do doesn't make you spineless or weak. It means that you are learning to be a little more selfless. Selflessness requires strength and discipline. It is hard, and it is worth the effort. Also, if you notice her making extra effort, tell her so. "Thank you" goes a long way!

Talk to her about your work and if she works outside the home, ask her about hers, even if it doesn't ring your bell. If she doesn't have a job outside the house, ask about her day and what was good or bad. Finding out about the little things means a lot to her, and just the fact that you're willing to talk,  ask, and listen makes a huge difference. Talking to her about your day helps her understand why you're tired, stressed, excited, driven, etc. This is called quality time, and even if it takes a little more energy and time out of your day, it is worth it because this helps your wife feel loved and connected to you. Perfect communication is impossible, but good communication is totally possible. There are going to be times that you both talk and open up, and are still not going to come to perfect resolution. That is normal and okay. The point isn't perfect communication. The point IS that you keep working on it. 

In a similar category, learn to really listen. Have you ever heard her say that she just needs to vent? Venting is a need for many women that many men just don't have. However, in your communication together, just sitting and listening and occasionally asking questions is very important to her. This next part is important! Sometimes a woman wants advice or your opinion on how the issue she is discussing could be fixed, but very often, all she wants is to talk about what she thinks and feels. For her, it is like taking a few deep breaths. It causes her to be able to relax. Alternatively, keeping it all bottled up prevents her from relaxing, not to mention the fact that over time, it has a serious impact on her emotionally. If you take a few minutes to do this on a regular basis, she will appreciate it immensely. If you have a great suggestion, ask her if she wants advice or just a friendly ear. If she wants your advice, give it. If not, save it for another day. 

Put things on your calendar to do for her that are selfless and kind and thoughtful. This doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant, though every once in awhile bending over backwards for her and pulling out all the stops is a great way to remind her how much you value her. This also doesn't have to be every day, though it certainly can be. It can be as simple as leaving a sticky-note on the counter before you head out the door telling her that you care and hope that she has a good day. The point is that you are thinking of ways to tell her she matters to you. This again has to do with quality time, but also has to do with using words or actions to affirm her. Find out what kinds of gifts are meaningful to her and surprise her occasionally. My wife doesn't particularly care for flowers, which I found out after I kept buying her flowers and finding her less than excited by them. In her case, a chai latte is a much better surprise (and is probably considerably less expensive). If your wife loves flowers, but you can't afford a full dozen in a vase, just buy one and write her a note. The point is that you are making an effort!

Next, hug her and hold her hand and open her door without any sexual expectations. In other words, touch her on a regular basis in ways that have absolutely nothing to do with you or what you might want. This isn't a recipe or a manipulation, but research suggests that woman who receive regular non-sexual touch are generally more welcoming of sexual advances at other times. Being affectionate with her in non-sexual ways tells her that you think of her as something other than an object or means of satisfaction. For most women, romance is a basic need, not just something they prefer. And whether we guys like it or not, a lack of romance and connection are directly connected to a woman's sexuality. (Maybe I'll write another post on this particular subject at some point.)

Realizing that different people have different values around affection, find ways to be affectionate with her in front of your children. You may be a little embarrassed to do this. My suggestion is to get over it. If you're a little embarrassed by hugging your wife or giving her a smooch or holding her hand on the way into the restaurant, there are probably some other things you need to deal with. Additionally, when you do this, your children may make puking sounds or act grossed out. They aren't. They're watching their father love on their mother, and this both shows them that your relationship is special, and it also models for them that touch and affection are normal. Additionally, there are few things that will make your wife feel closer to you than this!

Apologize when you act like a turd (this is something I'm still working on doing well). Text message or email apologies don't cut it.  (On a sidenote, don't ever, under any circumstances, have an argument with your spouse via text. This is childish and NEVER goes anywhere good! I ran into this issue in counseling more often than just about any other issue.) When you apologize, look her in the face and tell her that you are sorry, what you are sorry for, and why you understand you offended her or hurt her feelings. Do this as quickly as you are capable, so long as you really mean it. Don't apologize if you don't mean it. She has radar than can detect a fake apology! Also, the blanket "GEES, I'M SORRY!" in the sarcastic tone of voice accompanied by a huff or an attached "whatever" don't count. Again, I've learned some of these things the hard way. (Another sidenote. The proper apology is another one to practice with your kids. Apologizing to your kids isn't weak or non-parental. It shows them that everyone screws up, and that apologies are normal and healthy.) When you screw up, get connected to her by being genuine and learning to deal with your emotions and talking about them with actual words. Don't tell her what she wants to hear just to avoid an argument. Be honest even if the two of you disagree. Giving in just to avoid an argument doesn't work. Inevitably, you'll both end up feeling better and resentful. Tell the truth, kindly and respectfully. This is what grown-ups do. If you are someone who deals with getting too angry, especially if you are ever tempted to be violent, is something YOU are responsible for, and should get help with. There is no excuse for violence of any kind no matter how she treats you. 

Get okay with the fact that she cries sometimes for reasons you don't understand, and that her way of thinking about things is different than yours, and that both of you are wrong a good percentage of the time. Her emotions aren't necessarily her "being illogical". She just processes differently than you do. Making room for her emotions can be difficult and even uncomfortable for you. However, if you do make room for her emotions, and especially if you can find the strength to validate how she might be feeling, she will make more room for your "logic". Compromising, even if you don't feel like it, is a sign of strength, not of weakness. It means that you are making a hard choice, even a sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. That requires toughness. 

Work hard. Your job may be important and take a lot of time. It may be the source of financial health for your family. That's fine, but it doesn't let you off the hook from doing anything else at home. No man gets to the end of his life and says to himself "Gees, I wish I'd gotten just one more spreadsheet done, or had one more meeting with the execs!" Your job is important, but don't let it become your life. When the workday is done, leave work at work. This can be very difficult, but is very important, both for her and for you. You aren't wired to work all the time! When you're at home, be aware of what might need to be done there. I know, you're tired and distracted. Fine, take a few minutes and collect yourself, but she legitimately needs some help around the house. Take responsibility and notice what things need to be done instead of waiting for her to take care of it. Pick up after yourself, or at least TRY to. Your wife is not your mother, and doesn't want to pick up your sweaty socks or 7 pairs of jeans. If you want your wife to feel more sexual, make sure she is helping take care of her "husband" and not her trying to keep up with her "little boy". If you find her being cranky about the laundry or the dishes, take an extra 5 seconds and put your clothes in the hamper or your cereal bowl in the dishwasher. This costs you almost nothing and will eliminate about a thousand little disagreements. 

Here's the long and short of it. Be proactive to be kind to her because you love and respect her, not to manipulate her. In other words, be a real, genuine, thoughtful man.