Want a better marriage? - Part 2 - Addressing the ladies

After writing a post on December 16 regarding the realities of marriage and some specific ways guys need to step up to make it work better, the feedback I received was good. Many people, particularly those who've been married awhile, know that there is no secret "trick" involved in making a committed marriage successful.   I wrote in response to an article written by another man that was basically telling men to figure out ways to manipulate their wives by doing the smallest amount necessary to keep their wives "happy". Because my first post was directed mostly at men, I was asked to write a similar post directed at women. And what really surprised me was that everyone who asked for a second post to be written for women was, in fact, a woman. 

I'll give a similar caveat to what I did in Part 1, and add a few contextual facts before I begin. I'm a 36 year old male, who for the last 13 years has been married to a real woman, with ideas and feelings and perspectives all her own. She has described herself as having a strong personality, and I would agree with that. I would add that I too have a strong personality, and believe she would also agree with that. In addition, I have a masters degree in marriage and family therapy, and for the past 7 or so years have been seeing mostly couples in my therapy practice. Like any marriage, ours has had its ups and downs, and we've had to work through our share of junk. Overall though, I'd say we have a very good, very close, and very trusting relationship. Let me also add that I am not writing this based specifically on issues I have had with Amy, so don't read into my opinions that I am referring to her about any particular ones. As was said about my post yesterday, some of what I say will apply more to women, and some to either gender equally. One thing I didn't say specifically in my post yesterday is that I am a Christian, and that my perspective on marriage is based on my understanding of what the Bible teaches about relationships, respect, love, communication, and trust. I'll be writing with those same foundations here. Last, remember that I'm a guy giving this advice from a guy's perspective with zero intent to offend. With all that out of the way, let me tread out gracefully onto the ice. 

Ladies, I'll start the same place I started with the guys: this marriage of yours is a project that is going to take work, time, patience, change, and flexibility on both your parts. Each of you must first be committed to dealing with yourself and your choices, not waiting for the other to get it right first. Quid pro quo isn't a good way to run a relationship. Second, because this is a process that will take time,  there will be bumps along the way. Keep taking steps, even if it sometimes feels like you have to go backwards a little. Third, compromise is essential. Neither you nor he are going to get every single thing you want. That's not how relationships work, and life doesn't work that way either. But together you can both forge something that is incalculable in value. And it will take both of you to make it happen. Last, it is your marriage that is the project, not your husband. You cannot "fix" him because in most cases he isn't broken. Turning him into a yes-man will not fix your marriage. Sitcoms and many movies have spent the last 20 years depicting men as dummies who can't even boil water without their wive's instruction. Now, I will be first one to say that I am a better man because of the influence of my wife, and though we men may do things differently (or perhaps wrong) sometimes, we are not inept and helpless. 

Similarly, no matter how rough an exterior your man may show, there are places in him that need tenderness from you. Your faith in him and support of him is one of the most meaningful things you can bestow on him. It is a gift. And if you crush that place in him, it will be very difficult to get him to open up. He desires to be a good leader, and for most men, a big piece of their self-worth is tied to how they believe you think about them. Jerry Seinfeld said that inside every adult male is a little boy that still wears a superman cape. Your man desires to be a hero, even if he sometimes isn't very heroic. It is important how you treat him when he is successful, but even more so how you treat him when he screws up. If you want tenderness from him, you must also be willing to give it. If you want grace when you screw up, also be willing to give it. As I said in Part 1, there are no excuses, none, for violence or abuse, and this is true in both directions. Don't put up with it, but don't give it either. He may have a temper that needs serious work, but I've worked with some ladies who's tongues are like daggers, and do serious damage with them. 

Communication. Similarly to how your husband needs to learn some things to communicate well with you, the same is true in reverse. No matter how well you believe you've communicated an idea or particularly a feeling to your husband, there are parts of it that still may not make sense to him. This isn't because your man isn't intelligent, or that he isn't listening well (although he may not be), or that you haven't communicated properly. The way a man understands, interprets, and applies communication around feelings is different than the way you do. A basic truth about the differences between male communication and female communication is that men tend toward talking about ideas, where women tend towards talking about feelings. This, of course, is a generality, but has specific impacts on the way men understand the ways in which you ladies communicate. We men are capable of talking about feelings, but some guys need to be coaxed into it more than others. One of the ways you can determine if a particular idea or feeling is understood by your husband is to ask him to tell you in his own words what you tried to communicate, AND why he thinks it is important to you. This second piece is important because even though he may understand the idea or feeling in his head, he may have a harder time transferring that truth to the context in which you are saying it, or to other similar contexts. Having him talk about why he thinks it's important to you is key because it helps him use words to describe feelings, whether they are his or interpreting yours, and gets him to access the part of his head that is attached to his heart. Do the same thing in reverse to be sure you really understand him as well! This is good practice for BOTH of you. 

Also related to the category of communication, and there is a fair amount of research behind this statement, you ladies talk far more than men do. It's not good or bad. Just the way it is. On average, men speak about 7000-8000 words per day. Women, on the other hand, average more like 20,000 words per day. That is an average percentage difference of 65%. There are exceptions to this based on age, personality, type of job, etc. But even if we round that percentage down some for the sake of conservatism, the fact remains that you ladies talk more and talk for different reasons than men typically do. It has been said that men speak when and because they have to, and that woman speak because they can and because it feels good. And again, there is research to support this. Studies show that women produce oxytocin (which is called the cuddling hormone) when they are in deep, intimate conversation. In other words, it is pleasurable. Women also have 30% more of a protein in their brains called foxp2 associated with speech and language development. And these differences help account for why little girls are typically far more chatty than their male counterparts, and develop both in terms of volume of vocabulary as well as contextual understanding of language far more quickly than little boys. If at the end of the work day, he doesn't seem very talkative, it may be because he just wants some time NOT TALKING. This is normal and okay. If you can find a way to give him a few minutes to decompress, he'll recharge pretty quickly. 

My blunt observation about all this as it relates to how you communicate with your husbands is this: you talk to clear your head and to process your feelings, and because, very simply, it feels good to you. Your husband MAY do the same things, but men are far more often internal processors than women are.  This means that when you talk about something, or have a disagreement or argument, or you tell him that something hurt your feelings, it may take him some time to really get it. How many of you have had the experience of having a long, explicit conversation about something your husband said or did that hurt your feelings, and maybe its hours or even days later that he comes back to comment on it, or apologize, or finish the conversation? Based on what women have told me, this happens a lot. Sometimes it is his pride, but my opinion on why this often happens is that he does most of his processing AFTER the conversation is over, while women tend to process right in the middle of it. Learn to give him time to do this. Don't expect that he will process the same way you do. Set the reasonable expectation that you do need to finish the conversation for the sake of closure, and that he can finish it with you after he has a bit of time to process. The bottom line here is that he processes differently, not worse than, you do. However, DO be clear about what you want, why you feel the way you do, and why a particular thing is important to you. And if he isn't forthcoming about what is important to him and why, ask him. Keep asking him. When you do this, ask about ideas first, and about feelings second. 

Here's a big one. No matter what pop-culture says, your husband is not capable of reading your mind. It doesn't matter if you've been married for half a century. In the same way that he needs to use words to talk about feelings, you need to gently and kindly say what's on your mind when you're upset. Specifically, when you're GETTING upset, not after you are furious. Generally, women are more intuitive and perceptive about their other people's feelings and moods. If he doesn't ask if you're upset, it's highly likely that he just hasn't noticed yet. If you are upset with him, or are upset at someone else and need his support, or just had a crappy day, you need to come out and say so. Dropping hints, making facial expressions, and being "subtle" in the hopes that he asks you what is wrong is not an effective way to communicate with him. Being passive-aggressive with him when he doesn't read your mind will only lead him to shut down and be more distant. He needs to be straightforward, gentle, and kind about expressing his feelings, and so do you.  

Don't use tears as weapons. And even more importantly, don't use sex as a weapon either. Emotional manipulation is just as offensive and harmful as the kind of behavioral manipulation that prompted me to write Part 1 of this post. There are a lot of men out there who do respond more quickly to a woman's tears. A surprising number of women have told me straight-out that they use tears (at least some of the time) to get what they want. But in the end, that turns into the story of the boy who cried wolf. It eventually ceases to be effective, and in fact, will harden him against really listening to you, which is generally what you wanted in the first place. Seriously, cry when you need to. That's important. But don't use tears to manipulate. And sex. I could write an entire post on this one subject, but ladies, sexuality is one of the most complicated and potent aspects that exists in your relationship. And based on my informal research and in talking to at least 100 women on the subject, he wants it more often than you do. Maybe a lot more. But in the same way that romance is a basic need for you, physical touch is a basic need for him. Anatomically, his need for sex is different than yours too. I do understand (after having it explained to me in detail by my wife on many occasions) that in order to feel sexual, women require a certain level of emotional connection. But if you use your sexuality as a bait-and-switch tool or as punishment, his desire to romance you will be zero. Treat that gift of his desire for you very carefully. One more tid-bit on this this from a guy's perspective: make-up sex is almost always okay with him, and may end up being good for you too. 

Next, I told the guys to put items on their calendar to remind them to do things for you that are out of the blue, and unexpected. Just nice, thoughtful, little things to let you know they care. Well, I can tell you that your husband will respond well to this too. Let's face it. Everybody likes to be surprised with kindness and appreciation. A kind word or compliment. Tell him thank you for something that he does every day, but that makes a difference to you. A kiss on the cheek just because. Grabbing his hand. Noticing when he does something helpful. Again, this isn't manipulation. It is a sign of respect and love. He may not ask to be romanced, but directing some his way is something he will appreciate even if he doesn't call it by that name. This is also important because the things we pay attention to will take up more space in our hearts. If we pay more attention to the negative, we will naturally be more negative, and the converse is just as true. Notice what he does right!

I may step on some toes here, so I'll try to tread gently. Let's just put it out there. Your husband doesn't even begin to understand your monthly "lady-time". Don't try to explain it to him. There are some things he just doesn't WANT to know. Just know that most guys have no idea what to do to be helpful around this subject. In many relationship, the whole topic is off-limits, which only makes dealing with it harder. If you have suggestions, he would benefit from hearing them. I have had more than a few female clients tell me that they know that they are being unreasonable and overly sensitive with their husbands during this time, and that they can't help it. I honestly don't know what to do with that kind of admission. But if you are one of those ladies who know when you're a little over the edge, tell him that, and give both of you permission to have some time and space away from each other until cooler heads can prevail. 

In the same way that a genuine, kind-hearted apology helps you get over an argument faster, it helps him too. I've had many guys confide in me that they feel like they just cannot do anything right sometimes, and that they very rarely get apologies from their wives. In some cases, it may be true that your husband is just doing all the wrong things. But in some cases your temper or short fuse or unreasonable expectations are just as much to blame. Or you may actually be being overly sensitive. I know this isn't something that you respond well to being told (another mistake I've made too many times), particularly in the midst of an argument, but statistically speaking, it is simply the truth sometimes. Since you do not want to be told, the burden falls on you to sometimes take a step back and come to that conclusion yourself! 

Also be willing to take a long, hard look at your expectations, and whether they were ever achievable in the first place. This comes back to the idea of flexibility in the relationship. The two of you may have had a conversation in which he agreed to do something at a particular time or in a particular way. And he may have legitimately wanted to do that. But please take the time, when he falls short, to look at whether, in the context of the rest of life, if it was ever reasonable to begin with. He wants to be your knight in shining armor. The problem with the fairy-tale stories is that those knights screwed things up too. They just don't tell that part of the story in the books. Sir Gallahad made his share of messes, forgot things, and was a jerk sometimes too. If your husband falls short of your expectations, be forgiving, help him try again, or maybe it's time for a change of plans. Some of life's best moments happen when we let go of our grand plans! On the other hand, don't set the bar low. He is capable of stepping up and surprising you. Tell him in advance that that's what you need around a particular situation that's particularly important to you. He may just blow your mind!

A very important topic next. Your children will treat their father with the same level of respect and admiration that you do. How you talk to him when he screws up, how you speak about him with your children, or behind his back will directly determine how your children talk to him, and more importantly, how they think about him. If you want them to respect him and hold him up as a hero (which as I said above is something he secretly and passionately desires), then you must be willing to paint him this way. If he isn't acting very hero-like, you don't have to fake it, but talk to him about those things behind closed doors. This is a challenge, to be sure, particularly if you're angry or your feelings are hurt. He should also be willing to do the same when the shoe is on the other foot. We, both men and women, have a terrific amount of power over how our children will view and treat our spouse, and it starts with how we handle disagreements in front of them. 

Work hard. Whether you're an accountant, a banker, or a domestic engineer, do it with gusto. Never before have women worn so many hats in life. This fact I do realize! Employee/Employer. Mom. Daughter. Friend. Wife. And the list goes on and on, just like the list of chores and tasks around the house. If you work outside the home, do your absolute best to leave your work at work. Be present when you are at home. No human was designed only to work. We are human beings, not human doings. Ask your husband for help, but be specific. Explain why you need help, and don't wait to have this conversation until you're at the end of your rope! Try not to do it as a complaint, but rather, state it as a fact because that's what it is. Your husband likely deals with enough complaints in other places. If you'd rather, write it out and give him a list of tasks. Taking a few seconds and writing it down will benefit both of you. And please don't rattle off the lists that are in your head and expect that he'll remember them. Girls have built-in list software in their brains. Your man doesn't! Take advantage of white boards, text message lists, grocery phone apps, etc. You can get mad forever that he forgot the thing you explained to him in detail while he was watching the last few minutes of the game, or you can you realize that it's hard for you to remember what he was explaining while the kids were talking in both your ears. These are simple adjustments that will save you a lot of frustration! 

Also realize that he notices different things than you do around the house. Some things that are a really big deal to you are things that he might never notice in a thousand years of walking right by them. An example: when I was first married, I tended to put my dirty dishes in the sink. I didn't grow up with a dishwasher, and it was a bad but very old habit. I'd put my empty cereal bowl or dinner plate in the sink, go on with my day and not notice it again. That is, until Amy got home from work. It was one of the very first things she noticed. We had that fight WAY too many times before I decided to just do the simple thing and put my dishes in the dishwasher. I have explained in Part 1 to the fellas that they need to pay better attention to these things - that they need to take an extra 10 seconds to put the cereal bowl in the dishwasher, or to turn their socks right side out and put them in the hamper. Seriously. But I'll tell you ladies that these 10 second things, though they may sometimes be frustrating should not be allowed to ruin your day. Yes, I know...the myriad of 10 second things really DO add up. But do not  give them too much power over your heart. And take it from me, it may take time to get your husband to change old habits that you simply do without thinking. But he will eventually move in that direction IF you deal with it properly. Nagging is not an effective form of motivation. From what I've been told, you ladies tend to view your house as a reflection of yourself. He probably doesn't think in those terms, and it will take time, patience, and effort to convince him that it's worth it to vacuum the house 3 times a week or that making the bed with the 15 decorative pillows is really worth the effort when he's going to have to turn around and take them back off 12 hours later. Or maybe, just maybe, these things are not MANDATORY all the time. (I threw that last bit in there for the benefit of all men everywhere. You're welcome.) My point is this: pick the household tasks that are absolute MUSTS (this list should be fairly short), and be flexible with the rest.

Okay, this has gone on long enough. Here's the wrap up: the two of you are wired differently and that's good and can bring a lot of strength to your relationship if you find ways to embrace and USE your differences instead of allowing them to frustrate you or drive you apart. It can sometimes be really hard to give this, but respect is one of his most basic needs, as love and tenderness tend to be two of yours. I'll include two bible verses at this point that confounded me for a long time, and have been used improperly far too often. This is Ephesians 5: 22+25 from The Message, "Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting." These are both/and kind of commands, and apply equally to both men and women. However, I think these verses are in scripture precisely because God knew that these are sometimes the most challenging things for us to give our spouses, and God constantly calls us to grow! It generally comes more naturally for a woman to show love, but can be difficult to be understanding and supportive. Alternatively, it is more challenging for a man to love by giving not expecting anything in return. No matter what, keep talking and working and stretching. This kind of love and respect can have a huge impact on your marriage.